It’s hard to explain…

I’m not sure I have the words…
The pain covers me like a wave.
Merciless. Again. And again. Unceasing.
Is there no end to this?
No light at the end of the tunnel.
It has to stop.
I can’t bear it.
It’s too much.

The internal torture is compounded by physical pain. My knee is still swollen from Sunday. My joints are on fire. My head throbs. My hands ache. My feet continuously cramp.
I’ve learned to accept this…my whole body hurts during this kind of weather.
Cold. Rainy. Dark.

It’s so fitting for how I feel inside. Like all life…all happiness is gone. Never to return.

Before you jump to conclusions and start worrying about me, I’m fine. Really. This is a normal cycle. I’m not going to pretend that I feel happy all the time…I’m far from bubbly.

When others hurt, so do I. Even if we barely know each other, and you are hurting, I am there for you. It’s who I am. I won’t change it. I wouldn’t trade it for anything. It makes me unique, and tragically misunderstood.

Six months ago I was suffering in silence. I had no place to share my feelings. That was just fine with me…but an introvert’s life can be a lonely place. I always joked that I could feel alone in a crowded room. Only I wasn’t really joking.

My dark is dark. More than most people can bear.
Or understand.
Or care to know.
But in the darkness I grow.

I’ve turned off all news outlets today. I woke up in the middle of the night to more violence, and I couldn’t handle it. I ran. I’m going to run more this afternoon, hopefully with a few friends that understand. That feel like I do. We don’t need to talk about it. The woods is a healing place. Just being there, together, is enough. If home is where the heart is, then my home is in the woods.

I might just run until the numbness fades.
Until the tears come, and leave again.
Until the pain dissipates.

For now anyway.

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