A Quick Reflection

Right before I left this blog, I had some great posts planned. I went through and deleted most if them. Every once in a while, I found a great blurb and saved those to share with you. Here’s one such rant:

This may come as a shock to some of you, but I’m going to say it.
I hate running.
Hate is such a strong word. How about despise? Detest? Dislike?
There. I feel much better now.
Of course, it’s a lie. I love running. I never feel so alive as when I’m running.
But not right now. Not at all. I find myself dreading it. I can’t get up in the morning. I put off the run all day. I use meaningless tasks to delay running until “later,” and that time never comes. Trust me…I have procrastination down to a science. Even as I write this, I probably should be out running. If I do get out there, I complete the scheduled warm up, and bag the rest.
Did you see it? That evil word in the last sentence? The bane of my existence?
Scheduled.
And therein lies the problem.

So what was it? The speed workouts were killing me. I’d see one on my schedule, dread doing it, and skip the run all together. If I wasn’t meeting someone to run, I wasn’t running. At all.

Not good.

I spent a few nights thinking about my long-term goals. The Boston Marathon. How cool would…Wait! Boston? Whose goal was that? Surely not mine. When did I decide that I wanted to be fast? Or more…who put the idea in my head that fast was the only way to measure success?

Fast is nice.
Slow is nice too.
Running is amazing.
Skipping workouts is neither.

I threw out my schedule, and left the races I was already committed to on the calendar, with a few key (distance) workouts, to ensure I’d finish with a smile. Then I headed towards the woods. And I emerged differently…much like the Phoenix…but not quite so dramatic. I was covered in mud, had to strip in the parking lot, and drive home in a towel. But I was smiling. And laughing. And praying I didn’t get pulled over.
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For about a month, I’ve been back. Running almost every day. But it’s different. Peaceful. Calm. I’m in love all over again. With the woods, but most of all, with me. With what my body shows me it can do. So I’m going to push it…not hard, or forceful. I’m going to let it lead me. No schedules. No coaches yelling in my ear. No guilt. Just running.

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9 thoughts on “A Quick Reflection

  1. Great post, Amanda. Running can be such a complicated relationship (I’ve been wrestling with my feelings on it for the past couple months!) … but, like you said, it can be so soul filling & rewarding if you can figure out how to *truly* do it for you. So glad to hear you’ve fallen in love again.

  2. Good for you!! Sometimes it is so hard to let go of that schedule, that pressure and just be. Be YOU! I am sure you will find you will be a much happier person when you listen to yourself, what your body and mind want, not what you “should” be doing.

    ((HUGS)) girl!

  3. When I read your blog I often think “she needs to get out of my head” lol. Anyhow… I can relate to every single word you typed. For me, I came to the conclusion that right now, I love running but I hate training. So I quit training. I haven’t found that struggle to “fit in” a run that I once had knowing that I’m doing it because I love it and it makes me feel good and not because I have some arbitrary goal to accomplish. One of these days, I’d love to join you on the trails!

    • I knew from the first time we spoke (on FB) that we were so alike. Introverts Unite…alone…and quietly. We can run anytime. You let me know when you’re free.

  4. Its funny – I have been feeling the same way lately too. I was beginning to think it was Goofy residuals! Some days, that road seems further than it needs to be but I think I am over the hump!

    • I went back and forth on the Goofy Theory. I know I didn’t push hard in the race, but the months of training prior does add up. Of course, I’m running more than that now. And feeling much better. There’s something to be said for taking time to be off of a schedule. And there’s no reason you can’t do that while in training. But goals need modification. It’s all a learning process.

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